Model 101

Hunter Killer

American scientists are creating a taser-robot to serve in law enforcement and eventually fight battles for Americans.

The model robot is six-foot and shining steel with a taser gun in its thigh.

It’s opening demonstration was impressive as it took down a massive drug ring. The only drawback to this display was four hundred wounded bystanders and $40 billion in property damages.

A simulation of the future was presented after this astounding success depicting a world overrun by HK’s and assassin machines covered with living flesh designed to tract down and eliminate the remains of humanity.

A Government bill funding for the project is already underway.

What Happened

It was up last night when I was studying…something when suddenly… I fell asleep.

In the morning – details were fuzzy and my papers were blank.

Doctors called this condition “procrastination” and evidently afflicts billions of Americans. 

This epidemic is nothing fire employees over, after all – such a national emergency is not the fault of reporters who stayed up late with a hooker doing lines off her ample breasts and waking up in the alley with all my money gone like last Saturday.

So here with the news where…something…happened.

Paris Hilton

During her stay at the Lynwood Jail, she noticed the appalling conditions stating, “They could totally use some nice throw rugs.”

Decorating the prison cells, her once prison has been transformed into something like one of her famous hotels.

Criminals are now turning themselves in for past crimes from drug trafficking to murder for advanced reservations.

“Baby Jesus showed me the way.” Says Paris.

OJ Simpson

But is protected by Double Jeopardy. Alex Trebek is with us to explain:

“First there are answers which I give. Then you give the question – in the form of a question – to that answer. I spiced it up with some Daily Doubles and Final Jeopardy.”

Thanks Alex.

Fortunately, OJ is still in prison for armed robbery. His sentence has been increased to two consecutive life terms for bad behavior.

Infinite Storage

Based in the infinite capacity of the Black Hole, Apple has a new Singularity device that has infinite storage and never loses connection to your online storage account.

Introducing, the iHole.

Statistics:
∞ hours of music
∞ hours of video

Generic Emo Punk

A crisis swept the local towns of Sunland and Tujunga today when Hot Topic unleashed it’s new clothing line with a shirt darker than black.

Dozens of kids bought up the new designer clothing line and disappeared entirely from sight. Some believe the ultra-black imploded them into another dimension.

A $240 Million dollar rescue was recently approved by Obama.
When a rescue team pierced the boundry of reality they called back, “Go away. We like it here.”

Treasury's Brilliant Idea

America’s favorite Capitalist board game will now supply the new currency in the US Market.

The Department of Treasury concurred with President Obama saying,”This will solve our national budget and remove the Federal Reserve from power.”

But most importantly this will handle our foreign debt to other countries which hold much of our currency today.
The plan seemed full proof until it was discovered the game was outsourced and the money printed in China.

The man who challenged the universe

Wheel-chair bound Stephen Hawking uncovered his new anti-gravity machine in the face of his rival, stinky-MacStinkerson.

Police stormed the convention on an anonymous tip that a universal law was being broken and Hawking was arrested.

The DA and presiding Judge Bester couldn’t find the crime on the books but agreed a law was broken. The verdict was guilty and the sentence was a shot to the head.

“All we know is gravity is a universal law. I mean, that’s big right? I got to save the universe today.” Arrester officer.

FDA

With diabetes on the rise and suicidal children a serious threat, we ask what’s on the FDA’s adgenda. Commissioner Hamberg responds:

“Vitamins. Everyone says they’re good for you but they’re not. My kid says so.” She continues, “Its time everyone forgets this ‘magic pill’ and take real drugs.”

Her take on the decline of maltose and rise of table sugar and it’s affect of diabetes? ”Sugar will always be a staple of America.”

Adam does Eve

Our agent went undercover into a chat room online posing as a 16 year old teenage girl named “peekaboo_2277″ in need of something… different.

An anonymous tip lead us to a hidden part of the internet where a “porn-ring” depicted graphic nudity across at least a dozen sites.

An in depth study lasting several hours revealed there may be dozens of megabytes of graphic nudity soiling the internet. A letter to the mayor has so far gone unanswered. We hope this public service announcement will generate the outcry for this new form of indecency.